Life, Death, and Other Antonyms

Faith. Doubt.
Helpful. Helpless.
Past. Present.
Is. Was.
Unreal. Too real.
Having all the right answers. Having no answers at all.

These are all the things we've experienced this week as my brother-in-law, Jay, died tragically on Sunday. I have begged God to go before us and been unable to pray at all. I have had faith that God is with us and doubted Him all the same. I have seen such helpfulness in the midst of helplessness. I have said was instead of is. I have wished for the past instead of the present. I have known that even though this is unreal, it is all too real. And I have known all the right answers, but really have had none at all.

I have watched my sister-in-law lose her best friend and my nieces lose their father. I have seen grown men and women reduced to sobs and I've seen expressions of tenderness from people who never struck me as tender. I have watched preachers cry and admit that it is okay to ask God why. And even though I have spent my last few days finding clothes for a funeral, ordering flowers and saying goodbye, I have yet to believe that Jay is really gone.

To know Jay was to love him. He was infectiously funny, caring and talented. He loved God and his family and his heart was at least as big as he was. Jay was one of the most talented singers I've ever heard, and as a music minister could put together some of the best productions I've ever seen churches do. It struck me the day after he died that not only had we lost our loved one, but that the world lost talent I cannot describe. His former pastor pointed out that Jay could pull off big musical productions in his church that took countless people and hours, because people wanted to be around Jay so they would do what he was doing. Pretty neat way to remember somebody, I thought.

Please pray for us. I know God works ALL things for his good, but right now all is a hard word to stomach. I know God knew this was coming and is not shaken to his core the way we are. I know God will never leave us nor forsake us. I know my sweet family will learn to laugh again. I know that love for each other will see them through. I know more good times will come. I know these things because God said them and I'm going to believe them. But it's hard all the same...